Dear Husband: Stop Being Afraid

Originally posted on The Good Men Project here.

Dear Husband,

Stop being afraid of so much. I’ve talked to you about each of these things but maybe if I announce it to the world you will be able to really feel each of them deep in your bones.

Please please, stop being afraid you are not enough. You are more than I ever thought possible. You don’t have to be the most handsome/rich/confident/genius/manly man. You don’t have to be the most because it’s not about being the most. It’s about being the puzzle piece that fits mine. It’s about your strangeness fitting so well with my strangeness. It’s about that beloved sense of ease and peace and comfort I get when we are together, except when it’s about the silly excited feeling I get when I get to see you after a day apart. It’s about having contrasting and complementary levels of awesomeness and suckyness. It’s about you being the most authentic person I know.

Stop being afraid that I’m mad at you and just not telling you. Seriously…it’s been years and even though it’s rare that I get angry with you has there ever been a time when I was mad, and you couldn’t tell? I’ll tell you what, if I’m ever angry with you and I don’t tell you I am, I give you permission to ignore it until I get off my ass and tell you. Deal?

Stop being afraid I won’t like things. Things you like, things you do for me, things that have nothing to do with you. Really! It’s ok if I don’t like the same things as you. I can think the thing/show/movie you are totally into is ridiculous and still think you are amazing. You know me really well so it’s rare that I don’t like things you do for me, let’s just get that out of the way. But let’s say you did do something for me that I wasn’t excited about. I’m still excited that you thought to do something for me! I am still happy. Now let’s say that you did something for me and it actually made me crabby. It’s ok for me to be crabby. I am not entitled to a lack of irritation in my life and it’s not your responsibility to keep my life irritation free at all times. Just be thoughtful about things you have influence over. Most of all stop worrying if I’m irritated by things outside of your control. No matter what you were taught, it is not the husband’s job to fix everything. I totally appreciate that you care for my comfort, it’s one of my favorite things about you. I just care more about you being happy and worry free than I care about me being irritated once in awhile.

Stop being afraid that I don’t find you attractive. I get that you look in the mirror and can’t see why I would find you attractive…you think men are icky. I, on the other hand, am a straight woman so while I’m certainly not attracted to all men, I am absolutely attracted to you. Including all of the parts you think are so funny looking. I’m the expert on who I find attractive so just trust me on this one, you are totally my type.

Stop being afraid to tell me when you need help. It seems like somewhere along the way you got the message that you aren’t supposed to need help, and that you most certainly are not supposed to ask for it. But if you don’t tell me what you need, if you won’t let me help you, you are cheating me out of being able to be a strong partner for you. You are cheating me out of opportunities to support you. Think about it, how would you feel if I didn’t let you help me do anything? Now realize that I feel the same way when you don’t let me help you. I know you don’t always know what you need but when you do, please tell me.

Stop being afraid to tell me what you want. I’m a big girl, if you want something from me I’m not willing or able to give I’ll say so. If you want something I don’t think is a good idea for our family we’ll talk about it. Maybe we’ll decide we can’t afford that big screen tv right now…but if you tell me you really want it, we will start saving for it because you rarely ask for anything for yourself. Getting what we want doesn’t necessarily make us happy, but I still love hearing about what you think might make your life easier or bring you pleasure.

Stop being afraid that I’m going to decide I don’t want you anymore. I can’t guarantee my feelings for all eternity to come, but I can tell you that as of this day I love you deeply, I want you intensely and you are my best friend. I can’t imagine not being with you. But, I can easily imagine how much of the joy of us you could miss while you’re busy being afraid it’s not going to last, so please stop being afraid.

Your Wife


About Veronica
Veronica Grace is a writer/editor for and a pragmatic idealist mother to two sons, one who has rudely determined he will become a teenager without her permission and the other who wouldn't notice the world ending as long as he had a book in his hands. She holds equality, honesty and compassion among her highest ideals and has found herself currently obsessed with gender roles and practical minimalism. She is always obsessed with why people do the things they do. She is attempting to learn the mysteries that are the twitterverse @vsassypants

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